Things that have happened in wedding planning since the last post:
--We have officially booked both of our venues.
--We have asked the flower girls to be in our ceremony. (They said yes!)
--We have attended a total of seven dance lessons.
--We have booked a DJ.
And we've finally reached a point where we could lull. All of late October and early November has been spent that way. My parents aren't interested in speaking budget yet because my sister's wedding is still on the horizon and I'm looking at the calendar and saying "I still have plenty of time to take things in slow bursts." And in light of how stressful and annoying and irritating planning can be, it's been a wonderful blessing for both Dana and I. We still have enough time that we can sit and imagine and brainstorm things and them not be knocked down.
But I didn't jump on this blog to really report on our wedding planning. I came on here because I felt that the lull in planning has allowed Dana and I to seek God, and that has been a happy surprise for me. Not because I didn't expect that God would come into our relationship, but it just seems that in us growing closer in our relationship, God is nudging his way in in a very real way. Some other things that I see as much more precious are these.
We have been engaging back and forth in a Bible study together
Around May, Dana told me that he wanted to get into the habit of us studying the Bible and praying together. At the time, I was incredibly selfish and said, "I don't know how that's going to work with us being so far away from each other during the week." Dana and I live about an hour away from each other on a good day. When there's no traffic I can sometimes make it in a half hour, but it's typically about an hour of driving just to get to his place or for him to get to mine. For me, I wasn't ready to make that kind of drive. Knowing what my family would say to me about gas, I'd just as soon avoid it. So Dana tried to study over the phone with me. That didn't seem to work so much either. For whatever reason, the studying the Bible just wasn't clicking for me. Yes, I love the Bible. I love Jesus. I love God. I grew up in a home that was incredibly nurturing of having faith in the Lord. But I didn't want it. I didn't want to sit and read the Bible verses and discuss. That kind of thing awakens my analytical brain. The same analytical brain that got me A's on every single literature essay. And even though a mind like that is a gift, the Bible becomes rather dead when you see it through just that lens sometimes. At least, it did for me.
And keep in mind, all the while this is happening, Dana kept saying "I would like to get in this habit now so it's easier when we're married."
The answer to the prayer came when I watched a live streamed class of EV Free Fullerton's "Sex, Love and God". That class had been advertised at EV Free for being about reading the book Song of Solomon. If you don't know that book or have never read it (which I qualified for both), read it. Or better yet, watch all the classes. It's amazing.
And I don't mean amazing just because it deals with sex, although that topic is in discussion during the class. I mean amazing because whenever Dana and I watch an episode of it, or go to the class, we leave with plenty to talk about. We have a lot of things to discuss. And it's been convenient some weeks that our premarriage class lessons seem to coincide with the Song of Solomon.
I share this because this class has got us talking. And talking frank sometimes. There are a lot of things that I don't know the answers to, and plenty of fears we both have, but this class has unearthed these things and allowed us to get talking. And to feel that talking about these things is okay.
Mind you, this class is not the end all, be all of bible studies, but for the time being it has allowed Dana to study with me. And for me to hunger for the Bible. Ladies and gentlemen, if that's not an answered prayer, then that's a pretty big step in the right direction.
We have found out that we are on a very long journey together
Without revealing too much, I will say that back earlier in the year, I had horrid spells of loneliness. And even still, I have some of those symptoms revisit me. It's why I've gone into counseling, and counseling has been helping a little bit.
But where counseling has had a hard time is addressing that frustration and anger I get when I don't get an answer right away from God. Earlier this year, I had to answer some very real questions and be honest with myself as to whether or not I wanted to keep going. And I eventually decided yes. And I still stand by my decision, but it is costly to have to relearn my waiting lesson.
In the past, I functioned in prayer as a way to address God when I was in dire straights. That whole knock and the door will be opened--let me tell you, I was pounding on doors. I had made my walk with God that way, and for the most part it seemed to be working in that way. I didn't bother God with menial things and would come to him when I was empty.
This last week, I told Dana I was frustrated that this journey with God was taking the scenic route. I didn't want to take the scenic route. I wanted to know how God intended to solve this problem and move to the next chapter. I even equated this experience to my leaving Biola and going to Mt. SAC--the whole "what now?" that came out of that. I was having a very similar experience with our walk. Of course, I told him, "leaving Biola was hard, but several years later I was thankful for it because I grew in a way I don't think I could have had I stayed." Dana said, "Well, we've been on this road for almost a year. And you think it's going to be that easy when all other instances have been years long?" (That is not meant to be read in a condescending way. When Dana said this to me, I laughed. Hard.)
But this has been a difficult thing to realize as we're making preparations to begin our lives together. For me more than him. I'm not patient. I'd like God to just give me a moment to catch my breath before we get trucking along again. And it's been harder to share this because with exception of Dana and a few others, I've received answers of "you sure you're on the right path?" Oh, that stings. And infuriates me. But this instance has also proved useful in the fact that I have been able to defend my point of perspective with Biblical context.
We have found that our personalities are workable
Photo provided by Dannee Astin Photography (even though she's Dannee Ridge now! ;))
Eharmony.com aside, Dana and I have taken three assessments in the premarriage class. And my reaction to some of the tests has been to interpret it as "oh no, how is this going to affect our marriage?" Anything "low" for me is the same as an "Oh no! I need to work on that!"
For example, we took the DiSC test. I came out as only slightly different from back when I took it with From the Heart. I'm an S and a C. Dana was a C. For me, I saw this and said "Oh no, I'm going to have problems with X,Y, Z etc". To which, any sound advisor would say, "Melinda, you can drive yourself nuts with something like that."
Boy, I can, and I did.
We took a couple check up assessment and a lot of the things that came up were good until we got to our SCOPE profiles. Dana's scores were pretty level. Mine were a little bit more exaggerated. While we have pretty high scores together on many things, I fretted over the low scores. Like, I wasn't as social as I thought I was. Or I was too emotional.
And today was our last assessment class. We received our results from the Taylor Johnson Temperment Analysis and found that a large amount of our points were plotted in opposition to the graph's curve. Many of my points came up in areas that were "improvement necessary", which to me is worrisome. Someone gives me an alert to be vigilant on myself, I will run myself into the ground that way. It became very hard to evaluate these things together because I kept seeing "I don't fall into this grid."
And then we asked the leader of the class to interpret them for us. And he spun it into a much more encouraging light. No, our marriage wasn't doomed. In fact, there were more than enough reasons to be encouraged that we would be able to make things work. For example, even though I don't see myself as incredibly sympathetic, Dana does. He sees me as incredibly sympathetic. And even though Dana doesn't see himself as incredibly self disciplined, I do. In the overall scheme of things, the counseling guy assured us that the graph looked good. Both of our self scores were pretty good.
The leader of the class ended it with a very profound statement though. "We celebrate marriage here. You guys already have similarities and you know them. Your similarities won't pull you apart as much as differences will and that is where being aware of them can help you get a running start. Infatuation is God's gift to you two as a couple so that you are both willing to stay long enough to work through the differences."
And that phrase finally gave me peace. Not to mention that it was wonderful to see how Dana saw me. It's very easy to be critical of myself, and to see that someone believes in me without having to fish for it is incredibly encouraging. God has nudged the infatuation in our relationship. And I'm incredibly thankful for that.
All in all, for now, I consider these three things much more valuable than getting through my check list for the wedding. And that may make things feel rushed at the end of it, but I don't care. I suppose to me it's worth it to invest this amount of work in it at the get go. Maybe then marriage won't be quite as hard.
